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I think I broke my iTunes because it won't rearrange songs in playlists anymore. So I guess this one works best going on song length from shortest to longest. It's an hour and six minutes long because that's exactly how long it takes to drive from the office to the airport. Yesterday afternoon I was feeling claustrophobic in Holland and told Joe Millionaire about it-- he whipped up a supercheap itinerary to the UK for the weekend. So I booked it. So I needed a 1.1 hour cd for the drive to the airport today. So this is the playlist.
Comme d'habitude, email if you want a copy.

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Hello friend. Do you like covers?

fwighere and fwighere.
Some are crappy quality but I'm a sucker for covers and so downloaded most of them anyway...

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After consideration and ripping off the previous post's style, the following are heretofore held as truths:

Caramel is superior to nougat.
Trust is more important than love.
"In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" is a perfect creation.

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Is this from 2003? 2004? Have you like totally read this so two years ago?
Sorry, all the deep-fried gravy they are feeding me over here renders me incapable of knowing what the hell is going on with the cool kids. Anyway, the list is muy cómica.

My favorite substitutes for originality, ctrl+C & ctrl+V, have this to say:

Hot tea with honey
Any type will do, but what you have is a spoon, some honey, and hot tea. The real deal is, it's a double delight: not just that honey is a fine, fine additive, but that the spoon used to stir the honey is removed with the slightest layer of residual sugar, and that Darjeeling-basted sweetness is pert near joyous. And that thing about local honey being good for allergies? Seems legit.

Small pads of paper, maybe 4 inches by 4 inches
Lots of times, there are things we want to write down. These do the trick.

Not moving
Because have you ever had to pack your stuff? As if there were ever a more obvious recommendation. We're embarrassed we had to say it.

A Ghost Is Born by Wilco
Sure, no risk here, recommending Wilco. It’s cool to recommend Wilco, right? Wait, maybe it’s uncool to recommend Wilco. Is it time to break bad on Wilco? You’ll let us know, right? We’ve heard this album described as “weird,” that some of the songs are “indulgent.” Whatever. Listen to the album. It’s a motherfucker, beginning to end.

The sound a large book makes when snapped shut
Satisfying to those who know it’s coming, scary to those who do not.

Hershey’s Sundae Pie
So far, we’ve only seen these available at Burger King, but if someone sees them somewhere else, please let us know. A bed of chocolate graham crust layered with a chocolate-mousse pie filling, topped with whipped cream, and drizzled with chocolate. Comes in a perfectly pie-shaped container with a reusable fork. (Spoons available upon request.)

King Biscuit Flower Hour Presents the Steve Miller Band
Yeah, you read that title correctly, we’re recommending the Steve Miller Band. A pair of recently unearthed recordings of early Steve Miller Band live shows, one from 1973, the other from 1976. Sure, today we think of him as that guy who wrote slick ’70s rock like “Rockin’ Me,” or “Take the Money and Run,” or—one of the more annoying songs of the ’80s—“Abracadabra,” but these recordings (the ’73 one, specifically) showcase why, during the early part of his career, Miller was known as Stevie Guitar. The eighteen-minute jam of “Livin’ in the U.S.A.” into “Fly Like an Eagle” is worth the price all by itself. Sounds like live albums should, with amplifier hiss, screwups, and everything else intact.

Many hours of daylight
These longer late-spring and summer days make us think that maybe having a home in each hemisphere might be a champion idea.

iPod
Have you seen these things? It’s like the introduction of the Walkman all over again. Very exciting.

Made on MTV
Low self-esteem solved through dedication, hard work, and professional guidance/support. The complete inverse of the really gruesome I Want a Famous Face.

Punching it in
When something good happens or someone says something you firmly agree with, invite them to bump fists with you, knuckle to knuckle. All the fun of giving five, but less dorky. Addictive.

Who Will Cut Our Hair When We’re Gone? by the Unicorns
Official McSwys Band of the Month for February, March, and probably April too. The awesomeness of this album should not be underestimated.

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Maybe Wes isn't the brains, maybe the brains belong to the Butterscotch Stallion.

UPDATE: Oeps... I mean fwighere for the nickname link. And the Coen brother too.

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Are there still "payola" T-shirts... around?

UPDATE: The NYT has more on payola fwighere and fwighere.

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A: Getting so excited about the hot deal in the grocery store that you fail to recognize your basket is too full for three bottles and, turning a corner, tripping on your click clackity businessbot shoes and sliding into a display stand which knocks the third bottle out of your basket and sends it crashing to the floor to explode while you make a humiliated beeline for the checkout counter and excusemedoyouspeakEnglishthere'sasmallspillnearthecoffeeaisle pay full price for the two bottles without returning for the free third one because anyone that clumsy does not deserve free iced tea in accordance with your Catholic upbringing. Amen.

I miss America today.

Have you ever seen a French person try to barbeque?
Honteux.

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Fresh-ass themes! Fresh-ass tunes! Alphabet Nash!

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Pitchfork: Did he [Bryan Adams] call you?

Adams: Yeah! So it was this big thing, and I get this call. And he's like well, I think they've been charged to the wrong room. He's got an English accent, I think his mom might be English or something. And he really wanted to come down and meet me. But I said no, I was too sick. I thought it would be greatest thing, I was just super-contagious. So we talked for awhile, and he was like "I definitely want to have a truce." And I was like, I'm not mad at you! He was being really emotional about it. And I was like, I don't talk shit about you. I think everyone else has been making really weird comparisons or getting caught up in the name. And I was like, it's a fucking Catholic name! Whatever. So then the medication I was taking made me kind of high, and I ended up calling him back later and asking him to be the tin man in that video I did with Elton John. Which he of course declined.

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All day long, in addition to picking his nose, my half-Italian half-Dutch coworker swears. In English and in Dutch. His mouth needs to be washed out with soap. Just so I don’t forget, here are the swear words I’ve learned in Dutch:

verdomme (a.)—damn [pronounced fer-dom]

klootzak (n.)—asshole [pronounced kloht-zahk]

kutwijf (n.)—bitch [pronounced cut-wife]

Donder maar op—Fuck off

Kippen neuker—Chicken fucker

Paarden neuker—Horse fucker

Apenkind—Monkey child

Uitgewoonde heroinehoer—old/worn out heroin whore

Eet pinguin poep jij kontgraver—Eat penguin shit you ass digger

And then if he’s really REALLY pissed off …

Uit een hoerenbaarmoeder geslingerd kuttekind—Loosely “son of a bitch,” literally “cunt child that’s been thrown out of the uterus of a whore.”

Als je een ruft laat ruikt die naar sperma!—Your farts smell like sperm

Je hebt een kop om stront op te sorteren—You have a face to sort shit on

Ga met je verlopen snollekop in de vette aambeienreet van je gore moeder zitten raggen.—Um.. it’s like, “take your old slutty face to poke in the fat hemorrhoid ass of your whore mother.”

And then there are the ones I just don’t get:

Achterlijke gladiool—Retarded flower

Volgescheten palingvel—Shit filled eel skin

Gekke klootzak—Crazy scrotum

Jij eet smegmakaas—You eat smegma cheese (??)

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Happy 21st Petra.



Dan is responsible for the priceless Kodak moment of sheer terror.

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d: Ok one last thing. Is there a question that you've always wanted to be asked in an interview? Something that you've practiced in front of the mirror even, just in case? I'll even pretend like I asked it if you want!
Neko: I guess it would go like this:

“So Neko, I hear you make the most delicious soup in the world, so much attention to the base, and the vegetables, exquisite! What is your secret, and will you open a cafe soon?"

Then I don't really answer, I just cry softly into the receiver and mouth the words "thank you" over and over.

via

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Apparently I only like to date introverts. So it was funny to read: Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts. Sounds healthy.

And the introvert's motto?
Our motto: "I'm okay, you're okay-in small doses."

Ha.

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Probably not the best idea when searching for a female travel companion to go batshit when other people on the forum start taking the piss out of you...

It starts innocently enough:

Be everything as it may, this transcontinental, international cyclotouriste is navigating to locate a good companion for an extended bicycling tour. Good is defined as---female, healthy, cyclist, with a sense of bold adventure, and the willingness to be compatable on an extended world tour with yours truly.

But then in the space of one page, cyclotouriste turns into... psychotoursite:

Fuck you goddamn punk. Bring it on is exactly what I am gojng to do. You go fishing for trouble you no good son of a whore and that is exactly what you will get. When I say that I have had it with bastards like you that is exactly what I mean, and you are going to find out what that means too. And you just remember this too you bastard. I am the guy who found out in detail about the plans to attack the WTC, the pentagon, and the US Capitol on or around 9-11-01. I have a book in the making right now, and part of it is on the internet. You read it and you will see that I kept those attack plans under my hat because I know about no good bastards like you and how you permeate American society.

Ah yes, a global expedition with this guy sounds delightful.

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So, does anyone watch The Real World anymore? Yes? No? I have no idea what people watch on MTV anymore. In Holland the only show in English is Pimp My Ride and which I love because I have a huge crush on Xzibit. Anyway, in the six [in this case 4] degrees of separation, my sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend plays the slut on Real World Austin. In an interview with the Milwaukee newspaper she goes on about how she is young and likes sex and blah blah. But watching your girlfriend cheat on you on tv when you're at home sitting next to your extended family? Yeah, probably not so fun.

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My actual friend Tom sent me this article with the better title than mine, News Corps Buys Myspace, Myspace Still Lame. Then I asked him what his myspace url was and his response was "oh, it's at www.myspace/myspaceisgay/htm" Comedians!



More funny:



For the record, haters, I like myspace. Just look at all the wholesome women I'll be friends with because my folkstar roomies are promoting their band. And plus, I found a concert buddy in Holland who runs the Secret Unicorns Forum because of myspace.
What's wrong with making buddies? Please explain.

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From Pink is the New Blog:

What could cause L. Lo to hide from her beloved paparazzi and go so far as to throw something (a canister of car interior wipes, to be exact) at the photogs? Did she get the cold shoulder from Nicole? Could Wilmer be rejecting her phone calls? Did she accidentally eat 2 Tic Tacs and have a hard time barfing them up? We may never know ...

Rich leather interior wipes: made in Nashville, shipped directly to Lindsey Lohan.

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You don't have to be clever to be funny.

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Is there a more useless pop singer than Lenny Kravitz?

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Well bien sur, they were going to make a website of our favorite doctor. Go read about Dr. Thomas "I take off my adult braces when I'm filming" Cruise Mapother IV and cure your case of the Mondays.

Example (avec megawatt smile, sans adult braces):

"Some people, well, if they don't like Scientology, well, then, fuck you. Really. Fuck you. Period."

Be still my heart.

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Right on, dude, right on.

To: Podcasters
From: the Last Plane to Jakarta team
Re: talking

Dear Podcasters of the World:

Wasn't it exciting to learn that the new build of iTunes featured Podcast support? To say it was like "free advertising" understates the case, since your product was already free. What iTunes support means for Podcasts is a new morning; a central hub on an application already in wide use by hundreds of thousands, or even millions, probably. We have never been good with numbers.

There is, however, one number we have done a little research on. That number is "three," and it speaks directly to something very basically wrong with the Podcast industry standard. "Three" here refers to the number of minutes many Podcasters will talk, unscripted and lacking any notable ad-lib skills, at the top of their show. It makes the most bong-addled college DJ hosting a weekly show of three-hour Phish soundboards sound like Christopher Lee reading Basho. Three. Three minutes of talking about shoes, or "computers," usually. This number may actually be "four," or even "five" or "ten." No-one knows. Know why? BECAUSE AT THE THREE-MINUTE MARK, NOBODY WHO DOESN'T ALREADY KNOW YOU HAS ALREADY APPLE-DELETED YOUR FILE INTO THE FUCKING GARBAGE.

Not for nothing did LPTJ switch over to a shorter-entry format. We're at an historical moment where we could all do well to read more tanka and less epic. If the epics were heroic, it'd be one thing. When they involve badly improvised sub-Seinfeld observational humor on the effectiveness of cold medicine, though, it's quite another. Be quiet. Play music. It'll be all right.

This harange sent, with love, from your uppity friends over here at

Last Plane to Jakarta

Also John, why did you have to cancel your show in August in lovely Rotterdam? Now I will have to internet stalk you to see if you've changed venues.
Love, Jenny

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Ryan, I sure do love your ofoto pics...

Ok the story from Herr Director goes: RyMo found the piano by the dumpster at the music store where he works and then decided it would be a hot idea to burn the piano. Herr Director shows up in the famous bakery van/after bar taxi, loads up the piano, goes flying down the Beltline Hwy and unloads it at RyMo’s parents’ house. Herr Director somehow knows these two lesbian ladies who live in Fitchburg and rent their land out to people who need to burn stuff. So the levy was paid, the invitations sent, and the piano burned. I’m still trying to figure out what’s more awesome: that RyMo seemed to so naturally conclude the piano had to be burned or that Herr Director actually knew of people who could facilitate the burning.

Who knows what other Neutral Milk Hotel lyrics those kooky kids will act out next!

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I just really can't understand why people wouldn't like the French.



Reminds me of the greatest accidentally hilarious photo ever from an actual real estate website:



Priceless.

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Are you surprised?

He says blogs are:

an abbreviation used by journalism drop outs to give legitimacy to their shallow opinions and amateur photography that seems to be permanently stuck in first draft hell.

Ha. Go read the whole rant.

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One of the tubes in London was bombed.
Joe Millionaire, en route to America, thankfully unharmed.

UPDATE: This is the exact same tone I got from calling the UK office to see if everyone was ok:

Cheers for the messages of support. London's grateful. And we're going to keep our heads. Stiff upper lip and all that - wouldn't do to get all emotional. Hardly British - and if we stop being British about it, the bastards have won. So we'll have a few beers, make as many sick jokes about it in pubs up and down the land as we can, and get on with our lives as normal. Other than causing the grief of too many innocent people, these cunts will have achieved precisely fuck all. We shall not be moved.

More fwighere.

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Rotterdam can be kinda pretty sometimes.
(Click the pic to make it bigger.)

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Olympics 2012 in London! Paris was sure they would win it, having even staged a preliminary fake Olympics on the Champs Elysées complete with race track and swimming pool. Here are the voting results:

LES RESULTATS
Le premier tour [first round] :
Londres : 22 voix
Madrid : 20
Moscou : 15
New York : 19
Paris : 21

Le deuxième tour [second round] :
Londres : 27
Madrid : 32
New York : 16
Paris : 25

Le troisième tour :
Londres : 39
Madrid : 31
Paris : 33

Le quatrième tour :
Londres : 54
Paris : 50

Only 4 votes! That was close. The Frenchies are none too pleased. Rno says:

les Rosbifs nous ont eu... Decidement il a le vent en poupe le p'tit Blair!!!

[The English got us… the little Blair decidedly has the wind at his back]

You know how the English call the French frogs (grenouilles)? Well the French call the English les Rosbifs, or the roast beefs [added: beeves?].

And Caro just fucking hates the English:

Connards d'anglais,ils nous feront chier jusqu'au bout!!!!!

[French is so funny directly translated. This sentence would be “Idiots of English, they will make us shit until the end (of time)!!!!”]

Boutons les saxons.....!

[This phrase came from the Middle Ages, like Jeanne d’Arc time, when the French were kicking the English out, means “Let’s kick out the Saxons”]

Did I translate ok Rno?
So I guess that Paris 2012 t-shirt we bought is now worth something. I'm going to burn an image of Jesus into the sleeve and sell it on Ebay.

UPDATE: ha.

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So the first couple times I tried to upload this pic it wouldn't work and then I converted it to .gif and then back to .jpg and now it's all grainy... but uploaded. I'm sure that's not even the right way to do it. Whatever.

Ok! Google Earth is awesome because you can put in two locations and the program will fly you from space and zoom into your location. You can tilt and rotate the 3D city landscapes. This is really fun if you are a dork, liked to play games like The Oregon Trail in grade school, and are also really high.

Do you want to see my apt? Ok great:



Find your house!

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Crazy-in-fake-love and contractually bound Sea Org Dr. Tom Cruise, PhD has predictably provoked a backlash in the form of a petition signed by almost 14,000 people boycotting WOTW:

Dear Mr. Spielberg,

We, the undersigned, wish to inform you that we are compelled to boycott your movie “War of the Worlds”. Our decision is based solely on the abhorrent behavior of Mr. Tom Cruise. We will not be spending our good money to support the ridiculous and potentially dangerous antics of this raving narcissist. Mr. Cruise’s actions and comments have been offensive and insulting when not downright laughable.

-We do not want to hear Mr. Cruise’s uneducated and unsubstantiated opinions on medicine and Psychiatry. His mean-spirited decision to use Brooke Shields as an example was unforgivable. The potential impact on those in need of treatment, who might heed the advice of a ‘celebrity’ over a trained professional, is dangerous. If Mr. Cruise believes that vitamins can cure mental illness, then perhaps he should consider increasing his dosage.

-We do not want to be enlightened about Mr. Cruise's ‘religion’ of Scientology. If he is so concerned about mind control, he should not be part of an organization that seems to use this tactic as its Modus Operandi. Mr. Spielberg, was the fully staffed Scientology tent you allowed Mr. Cruise to have on the movie set placed right next to the Jewish, Christian, Buddhist, and Muslim tents? Didn’t think so.

-We are sick of being force-fed his relationship with Katie Holmes which, if it isn’t the publicity hoax it appears to be, is a pathetic, juvenile, attention mongering display. Tom’s obvious control of his Stepford-Wife-To-Be is frightening.

-We do not want to watch his ‘out of control’ yet suspiciously manipulative antics nor listen to his condescending, holier-than-thou judgments. This man cannot even articulate a coherent sentence. He should stick to reading movie scripts.

It is revealing that the most compelling character Tom Cruise has ever portrayed is “Frank TJ Mackay” from Magnolia, a control-freak with a pathological need to assert his obsession over not just those around him, but the public as well, by exploiting his access to public media. Apparently Mr. Cruise was playing himself.

Perhaps he views the aliens he battles in War of the worlds as a metaphor for the aliens he and his Scientology friends believe inhabit we humans. Relax Tom, it’s just a movie. A movie we will not be paying to see.

Sincerely,

The Undersigned

Now I don’t know about you but I completely disagree with the idea of this petition. In fact, I’ve never liked Dr. T until now. In my house we weren’t allowed to watch anything with even the slightest hint of swearing, sex, or violence… which pretty much explains why I can recite most of The Sound of Music by heart. So I didn’t see Top Gun or Cocktail or any other classic 80s movies that would make a young girl fall hopelessly in love with Dr. T. But now! Wow! What an entertainer! What a perfectly enviable promotional performance! It’s now and not 15 years ago that I have a huge crush on him. How fun would it be to go couch-jumping, fist-pumping, and Aristotle-posing around the globe? How great would it be to repeatedly go completely batshit crazy in public knowing you’re making a small fortune in the process? Much more fun than the same old coke-snorting LA parties I’m sure. So one of these days I’m going to pay back Dr. T for all the entertainment he’s given me over the past weeks by proudly paying eight euros to see his alien movie. Haters be damned! I love Tom Cruise.

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Shameless roommate plug: Go check out All Day Radio, my new Nashville roommates Robby and Jason, on Myspace. They're on Friendster too but there you can't stream the music because Friendster is like, so 2003. Add them as your friend! Everyone likes friends. Add them if for no other reason than being one click away from the 68 hot babes who are already ADR's friends. One profile is just a girl rubbing her boobs. Unfortunately Bonnie, Becca, and I are all clothed in our profiles. Sorry. But as consolation, you could be friend number 69, dude. Think about it, dude. That would totally rule.
I haven't met Jason yet but I'm pretty sure we're going to get along great on account of this:



Captain Robanaba and I are already butch fwunds and have shared a triangular apartment in France so I'm sure wherever we live in TN will seem palatial in comparison. Isn't Robby dreamy?



Go makes friends with Team Nashville!

Email me if you like the songs and I'll send you some mp3s.
You should also plan your Music City, USA visits to hear them "live," "in person," and "onstage."

Quotes for no reason. Get into it.

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"Annie, plan on buying a set of mattresses in Nashville"
"Anything that starts with an S like Simmons or Sealy is always a good brand."
"You'll probably want a Hollywood frame."

"Everything in that room you can have except the mattress."
"Do you have full size bedding?"

[Happy Birthday Bexter]

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