Then don't read this.
I'm pretty sure this one by Glue Factory Bob is my fav.
Are you too cool to laugh? Click it. Do it. Do it.
And I guess Dog Food Dale, Glue Factory Bob and I aren't the only ones lamenting the extinction of unicorns.

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When it's the caterpillars who can fire their poo FIVE FEET?
It's called Ballistic Defecation and someone really needs to use that name for either a nuke or a band.

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...some boy has his period.

Tarak, from Kalna in West Bengal's Burdwan district, has reportedly been experiencing menstrual symptoms for a year.

The 15-year-old bleeds from his penis in the second week of every month, reports the Hindustan Times.

The youngster is also said to suffer from nausea, stomach ache and mood swings.

Conor Oberst unavailable for comment.
(Booing)

Sorry, too easy.

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NYT reports on the Supreme Court decision in MGM vs. Grokster:

There is no dispute that individual users violate copyright law when they share files of copyrighted material, and the industry has had some modest success in seeking fines from college students and others. But with millions of users downloading billions of files each month, retail prosecution proved inefficient, so the music and entertainment industries turned their attention several years ago to the commercial services that make the file sharing possible.

And then has this to say in the opinion section:

In another landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled unanimously against Grokster, a company that facilitates illegal exchanges of copyrighted music over the Internet. The justices got the issue exactly right, holding that actively encouraging copyright infringement is illegal, but merely creating new technology that makes it possible is not. The Grokster decision sets out a sensible framework for intellectual property law in the Internet age.

Definitely an interesting topic and something I would have probably studied had I not cancelled my law school application. I'd say about 20% of the songs in my iTunes are downloaded/shared files. I don't know if that's high or low or normal or what. But I do know for my own purposes, these downloads in many cases lead to eventual purchases and the reason I use Gnutella is because my remote location makes it extremely challenging to walk into a store and purchase the music I like.
MGM does have a point in protecting its own interests and revenue but history has generally shown a better outcome when you work with the technology rather than against it.

Speaking of downloading, have you guys heard The NP's "The Bleeding Heart Show"?
Neko fucking owns that song.

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I still think The Modern Man has just as many social identity issues as The Modern Woman.
French advertising agrees...

"As the world is drifting toward a more feminine perspective, many of the social constructs men have taken for granted are undergoing significant shifts or being outright dismantled," said Tom Bernardin, chairman and chief executive of Leo Burnett Worldwide.

When asked which they would prefer, a higher standard of living with them staying home with the kids while the wife worked or a lower standard of living with them working and the wife staying home, 46 percent said they'd prefer to stay home.

I bet it's even higher than 46%.

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Dutch vowel usage: Out Of Control.
Are all these really necessary?

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So I have the 'rrhea.

Ok, so after following the link on AH's post about the increasingly insane Tom Cruise and then was like, I don't even know what Scientology is. Then I read this. I can now say with certainty that after reading Laura Kay Fuller's Senior Thesis at the University of California, Santa Cruz (CA) 1999 I can't wait for Tom, Uterus-in-Waiting, and the Sea Org-- what?

he worst of Ethics was perhaps Hubbard's initiation of the chain-locker punishment in 1968, during the Commodore's reign on the Sea Org.¹⁵⁸ A chain-locker is a dark hole where anchor chains are stored. A tiny manhole gives access to the cold, wet and unlit lockers below the bowels of the ship. When a crew member was in a low enough Ethics condition, he or she would be put in a chain-locker for up to two weeks, kept awake and fed by a suspended food bucket.¹⁵⁹ The "overboarding" practice also occurred under the Ethics system, in which case an unlucky Scientologist was ordered to be thrown off the deck of the boat.

The pirates in Rottweilerdam don't even do this.
And this, friends, is why we all love Hollywood.

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omg kel!
Summer 2004 all over again!!

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Remember when they used to just play trumpets?

[R]obots could soon begin patrolling Japanese offices, shopping malls and banks to keep them safe from intruders.

Equipped with a camera and sensors, the "Guardrobo D1", developed by Japanese security firm Sohgo Security Services Co. , is designed to patrol along pre-programmed paths and keep an eye out for signs of trouble.

The 109-cm tall robot will alert human guards via radio and by sending camera footage if it detects intruders, fires, or even water leaks.

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I always go to shows by myself because my three friends don’t like the same music as I do. They are into Eurotrancetechnoremixbeats and I am, um, not. Sometimes I go with them to Eurotrancetechnoremixbeats shows but they are kinda weird, super sweaty, and usually in creepy dark caves so I end up going home early. So when I go see la musique en hollande I usually decide about halfway through that they would really benefit from hearing how much I enjoyed their songs and then stick around long enough to tell them so. This hot plan has resulted in John Darnielle thinking my name is Jenny, taking a taxi to a Moroccan nightclub by accident with Andrew Bird and Eef Barzelay, and having one of The Deers tell me I had a toilet paper tail coming out of my pants. That one was pretty embarrassing even for me. So Clem Snide played here last night and I was all geared up to show my stalker side by asking him to sign the set list I had stolen from the last time. The show was pretty good, I was kinda bored with the opening dude A.J. Croce (son of Jim) despite his comical Phil Spector hair so I left for a while to hang out with one of life’s better combinations, Holland’s Finest and Looza. Team Eef came on stage in white tuxedos with black trim. Each member had a different nature scene silk screened to the back. Eef added a red baseball hat and black converse shoes. Black converse shoes. So hot. Mostly they played from “Soft Spot” and “End of Love” which aren’t their best but still have their moments. He damned all of Rotterdam to hell before singing “Jews for Jesus Blues.” I don’t think the Rotterdammers cared. They covered “Heaven” from the Talking Heads. Anytime he would talk between songs he would just rip on Rotterdam ("like walking on a cloud") and pontificate on how great Nashville is. And I was like Yes! Yes! Yes! in my head but didn’t think I should yell that in front of all the pirates for fear I would wind up at the bottom of a canal alongside all the stolen bikes. So my crush on Eef was renewed and I will probably stalk him in Nashville. But there was no talking to him this time. No, friends. I was planning on it but then I left right after I realized that my breaking point for normal/not normal situations comes right at the moment when I’m out at a nightcafé alone in a foreign country completely stoned and being hit on in another language by someone of the same sex.

Yep, that’s when I put in the ear buds and start the walk home.

Here's a really bad pic of them:

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Pretty convincing pro-Cafta, anti-French economic instinct op-ed from Thomas Friedman in the NYT.

But President Bush needs to spend some political capital and sell this deal in these terms. "The administration has to get out and connect the dots for people," said Richard Haass, president of the Council on Foreign Relations and author of a thoughtful new book on foreign policy, "The Opportunity: America's Moment to Alter History's Course." "Otherwise the vocal minority will trump the interests of the majority. We should not assume that this backlash [against free trade] that is going around is just a French malaise or Dutch elm disease. It could happen here." But if we think we can indulge protectionism and not worry about the geopolitical spillovers in our own backyard, that is a real illusion. "The world is not Las Vegas," added Mr. Haass. "What happens there will not stay there."

Fwighere.

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So here's my deux centimes:
1. Mountain Goats- Sunset Tree
2. Decemberists- Picaresque
3. Andrew Bird- Mysterious Production of Eggs
4. Architecture in Helsinki- In Case We Die
5. Ryan Adams- Cold Roses
6. Bright Eyes- I’m Wide Awake It’s Morning
7. Stars- Set Yourself on Fire
8. Of Montreal- The Sunlandic Twins
9. Fiona Apple- Extraordinary Machine (does this count?)
10. British Sea Power- Open Season

Tegan & Sara and Sufjan are supposed to be good but I haven’t heard them yet.

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Where did you find this?
Crazy.

UPDATE: ah, metafilter.

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The program to upload pictures on zee bloj, Hello, only lets you upload one at a time and I just don't have the patience today dudes. So I uploaded the France pics and other randoms to the ofoto account.
The churches and Louvre pics are from the Da Vinci Code tour my aunt and I went on. Despite the fact that our tour guide Brad told the lamest jokes ever, it was actually pretty interesting.

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So you remember how in Holland they tend to end their sentences with the word “hoor” which means “sure”? As in “Do you want to go to a movie?” “Yes, sure.”

They use this word a lot more than we would use “sure” so you end up answering a lot of questions “ja hoor [yes, sure]” or “nee hoor [no sure or no thanks]” and feel like you’re calling everyone a prostitute all day. It’s kinda funny talking to some businessman using this phrase because you’re repeatedly have the knee-jerk reaction that you’re insulting them. Anywhere you go—gas station, grocery store, work: yes whore, no whore. Ja hoor. Nee hoor.

Ok so in French they overuse the word whore too. Whore in French is putain. But in dialogue, they start every other sentence with the word putain. Even if it’s just a simple statement of fact about the nice weather. They say “Putain, qu’il fait beau!” which means “Whore, it’s nice weather!” I just don’t understand how the two are related? Not understanding of course doesn’t stop me from overusing the word as well so I can seem like I know the French slang when in reality I have frequent issues with simple conjugation. Just keep starting sentences with “whore”! They won’t notice your grammatical errors! This is my internal logic. Also the French people I work with are obsessively organized and generally dislike mess. But the phrase to describe a mess also invokes the whores. So all the time I hear, “Putain, c’est quoi ce bordèle?” which means “Whore, what is this whorehouse?” I mean seriously, take it easy dudes. Just paper and passion in a bottle. Not a whorehouse.

So that’s all I wanted to say. All day I talk about whores.

The End.

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where it goes:

Brilliance has a taste for suffering
And you're softer than the Western world

wowza.

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The personal touch

by Bob Hicok

I have fifteen cloud stamps, it says on the back
cirrus means curl of hair, altocumulus
lenticularis look like UFOs, I have put hair,
an alien invasion, on the envelope bearing the letter
you’ll read under the sky of your living room,
crappy light fixture sky, falling plaster sky,
have snugged in the envelope fifteen pictures
of my hand holding fifteen stamps beneath the skies
from which they were born, the one inch by one inch
cumulus humilis beneath the ohmygod by ohmygod
cumulus humilis, say that again, it suggests
humility and accumulation, these are the wide
and flat clouds that disappear by sunset,
what if we called them soul clouds, what if we claimed
to be descended from the sky, I can’t stop
saying sky, how about every third word is sky,
how’s it sky there, my sky? and I’ll write
more often now that I can send you buoyancy,
these playgrounds for airplanes, I feel better
just looking at them, taller, capable of swirls
and Latin, altocumulus castellanus, altostratus
translucidus, here are the possible incarnations
of floating gathered on a little sheet
except nimbostratus, “a dark, featureless cloud
marked by falling rain or snow,” why exclude a portrait
of your dominant mood, it would have been nice
to send a picture of how you feel beside a picture
of how I wish you could feel, cirrostratus fibratus,
a transparent cloud which gives the sun a halo,
you might stick a dozen halos on your forehead,
seven hundred on the mirror, anyway I miss you
my little undulatus, sweety opacus, let’s pretend
Heaven exists in the guise of postage, and though
these are the kind of stamps you don’t have to lick,
I do.

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We sure wudge the music industry, don't we? In a slick move to curb free music...

According to Billboard, Sony BMG has quietly slipped about a million discs by 10 different artists -- whom they won't name -- into the market featuring anti-piracy technology from some United Kingdom company called First4Internet. This new technology totally stops you from making more than a few copies of a disc, and it also stops your friend from making a copy of his copy. They call it "sterile burning."

I don't know that much about copyright protection law but if this part is true:

Any CD released by Sony BMG or EMI with this protection cannot be transferred to the ever-so popular iPod.

then I'm not sure any self-respecting artist would want to sign to these labels.
Here's the link.

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Stereogum posed the question, what is the worst/most embarrassing cd you ever bought? As usual the comments are worth reading because there are definitely some winners in there. It's time now, dear BS readers, to let you know about what the 12-year-old aklaver loved.

Friends, it is called New Jack Swing.

You see, in seventh and eighth grade, 2 of my 3 sisters [well done, bex] and I, though brought up in suburbia, were thoroughly convinced we were black. On my first day of school in eighth grade, I remember exactly what I wore: purple jeans, a looney tunes t-shirt, a Charlotte Hornets windbreaker, and, yes people, my pride and joy: a pair of Deon Sanders shoes. Did it stop there? No friends. Despite having long hair, the bottom 3 inch section above where the hairline meets the neck was completely shaved. If I was feeling creative, I would shave lines or lightning bolts or my initials into this palette of rebellion. I shaved lines into the hair coming around the front part of the ear. And the bangs. Good lord the bangs. Two sections, always. The bottom portion rolled into a perfect circle with the curling iron and set meticulously halfway down my forehead. The top section was rolled backwards and then-- dear, sweet Jesus-- FANNED to one side (the right side, duh) and tightly secured with Aussie Scrunch Spray. Smells like grapes! Now guys, I know this sounds really hot but sorry to disappoint because I was already dating someone. Every suburban wigger needs a black boyfriend and I was no exception. His name was Marvin and he would call something like 57 times a day, always during dinner when we weren't allowed to answer the phone. I will admit at this point that, though our phone love was totally intense, I never actually met Marvin. One time after a softball game, he was pointed out to me across the parking lot. Now, still to this day whenever the phone rings and the person doesn't leave a message, the girls will say, hey Annie, Marvin called.
Assholes.

But the music. Well, I certainly loved Tevin Campell, what a heartthrob. Color Me Badd rocked my angry adolescent world. I UNDERSTAND THE PLIGHT OF THE BLACK MAN. Seriously, what is wrong with me. Other all-time favs included:

Boyz II Men
ABC
BBD
Wreckx-N-Effect (is in effect and I'm the wrecker)
SWV
Bobby Brown
En Vogue
Jodeci

Oh man, did we love Jodeci. "Forever My Lady" and "Stay" were probably the first songs I ever loved. So that's my very long-winded answer to the "most embarrassing cd you ever bought" question: Jodeci's "Forever My Lady"
K-C, Jo-Jo, you'll always have a place in my heart.

Ok, who wants to play a game?

If you can tell me what "ABC," "BBD," and "SWV" stand for, you will receive not only public congratulations but something else to be determined. I'm going to France in a couple hours so you can also choose your own prize. I'm not mailing any frog's legs, though.

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Who's Dane Cook? Hi, I'm foreign.
Whoever he is, this spot-on impersonation of Tom Cruise is freakin awesome.

UPDATE: TomKat engaged in Paris!
I knew I came here for a reason.

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Ok, the Coldplay backlash is in full effect, blah, blah, but nothing has been worth the ctrl+C, ctrl+V until this:



PLEASE HELP COLDPLAY WRITE ANOTHER SONG
By using 1 (one) of the words or phrases in capital letters each time you encounter a series of them below.

If YOU'RE, I'M, WE'RE ever SAD, LONELY, HAPPY, GRAY, BLUE then you can CALL ON ME TO LEAD YOU, VOMIT, HOPE, WANDER towards MY HEART, THE SHORE, OUTER SPACE and LOVE, FIGGY PUDDING, ANAL SEX, CUDDLING will GUIDE, LEAD, FOLLOW, PULL you through.

And LIFE, THE WORLD, MY HEART is a WHEEL, TOP, COMPLICATED THING that keeps on CHURNING, SPINNING, BREAKING DOWN but we must have HOPE, BELIEF, PRIDE to make us WARM, DRY, SAFE, so COME WITH ME, I'M NOT GONNA PAY A LOT FOR THIS MUFFLER, HOLD ON.

now sing LAHHV, NUHWHOO, AGHAAA, in falsetto for three minutes...

The RHYME, FOOL, TRUTH is a RIVER, MOUNTAIN, VALLEY and my HEAD, ARMS, LEGS, HEART is/are WEARY, WARM, PURE, OPEN and the FUTURE, MOON, SUN, STARS are not BROKEN, CLOSED, MISSING so GRAB, HOLD ON, REACH for THEM, ME, IT if you CAN, WANT, WILL.

I know I was WRONG, RIGHT, HATED BY JON PARELES, A BIT OF A PONCE ACTUALLY, A STUDENT, but if JON PARELES, YOU, MY FANS, I could just BELIEVE, ENDURE ANOTHER SONG, MAKE TRADE FREE, ENROLL IN THE FAN CLUB then HOPE, LIES THESE LYRICS, GWYNETH would set you FREE, UP FOR A LENGTHY PRISON TERM, OFF TO THE RECORD STORE TO BUY MORE OF MY MUSIC.

I'm on my KNEES, ACHILLE'S TENDONS, ROLLERBLADES, weaving through THE SAND, SPACE, YOUR FEELINGS, and I WROTE A SONG, PHONED YOUR PARENTS, STILL BELIEVE, in/about YOU, ME, US and it was called YELLOW, OLD YELLER, SKULLS, WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE.

So give me TRUTH, MORE TOFFEE, REST, PEACE, COMFORT & JOY x2, and...

MWHAAA, HERUUU, GUHLAAAH,

repeat 16x.

[via]

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I'm somewhat obsessed with following Ayaan Hirsi Ali, the Somolian-born refugee-turned-legislator in Holland who was the collaborator in making Submission, the anti-Muslim movie that eventually caused the murder of co-collaborator Theo van Gogh last fall. Wrapped up in her story are issues of feminism, immigration, homosexuality, human rights, you name it...

Whatever happens to Hirsi Ali, the debate she helped polarize over women and Islam is sure to spread and intensify all over Europe in the next few years. As Ronald Inglehart and Pippa Norris have argued in their book Rising Tide, the true clash of opinions between Islam and the West is not about democracy but sex. Successive World Values Surveys, in which social scientists polled public opinion in more than eighty countries between 1981 and 2001, have shown that people in Muslim countries share broadly the same views on political participation as people in the West. What they disagree strongly about is gender equality and sexual liberalization.

Read about her here.

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So Rochester has challenged the Angry Hippie to a dieting challenge. Rochester will eat and drink normally (read: copiously) and run every day. The Angry Hippie will do the South Beach diet and not exercise save a weekly softball game. Matt will referee the contest which starts Sunday and ends July 9th. My prediction is that Angry Hippie will start slow from the bowel clogging.
I've already volunteered to monitor the poop schedules and have formulated an idea for a prize for the winner. So I can be poo monitor/benefactor? Great.

But guys, how is the winner determined?

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Did you guys ever go to church when you were younger? Whenever I'm in a situation where I want to laugh really hard but just can't for whatever social norm/obligation I think of how my stomach would tighten and I'd have to curl up my knees and bite my lip to keep from letting any laughing noise out during church. The moratorium on laughter in church of course only made everything funnier and turned normally mildly amusing acts of rebellion into cause for tempered breathing and Kleenex. I always cry when I laugh too hard. So I found myself in a similar situation five minutes ago when I watched this video of someone dressed up as a Tetris piece trying to “fit” into random inanimate objects on the street and in the grocery store. Of course I'm watching while ostensibly being in an "important" "meeting" about selling "passion" to "enthusiasts." OMG. As another aside, misbehaving in the grocery store is one of my favorite things to do. Todd won’t go to the store with me anymore because I embarrass him too much… aklaver + retail stores = trouble. If I’m not shoplifting, I’m busy throwing every last piece of pre-packaged shredded Sargento Sharp Cheddar Cheese from the rack into the shopping cart and then speed-walking away to the sound of Todd yelling, “Annie, we GO here.” It also doesn’t help my behavior in public that I’ve decided I’m foreign so the rules don’t apply to me and the fact that I’m already a sucker for sleek packaging… everything on American shelves is just so pretty. Ok, go watch the video, it’s really great. This trick may or may not be in the works for Nashville grocery stores around September.
And while you're watching movies, I'm going to link to this again because it's really The Best Clip Ever. Go watch it. Do it. Do it.

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Excellent:

The protest was the first public display of dissent by women since the 1979 revolution, when the new regime enforced obligatory veiling. "We are women, we are the children of this land, but we have no rights," they chanted. More than 250 marched outside Tehran University, and about 200 others demonstrated two blocks away after hundreds of riot police swarmed in and barred them from joining the main protest.

It's staggering how dangerous this type of statement is in Iran. Good for them.

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Ok I'm foreign so I don't know if people read this or not but every time I read it I crack up at least once. So trashy = sooooo good.

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"Yo mama" jokes for bloggers.
Fittingly, the jokes are wordy and self-indulgent.

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I’m taking lots of road trips in the next couple weeks so I’m also making some cds to go with me. Here’s one playlist, as usual, email me if you want a copy and it will come from Holland with love… and there may or may not also be cookies. Because, seriously, what G-rated trucs are better than music and cookies?

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George Bush sings "Imagine."
Pretty good.

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I'm pretty sure I have no idea what this means aside from the fact that they are addressing me as Mr. Klaver. Again. Mr. = Herr in Yerman.

I'm such an arrogant prick at work and only use the first letter of my first name to sign third party emails so people automatically assume I'm male. Yermans. What can you do.

UPDATE (responding to an email): Ok, fine. It's a little harsh on guys but when you think "pushy, stubborn American doing business in Europe" do you immediately think female? Didn't think so.

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Newlywed Todd's blog, Batman Pajamas, where he shares the same name as his dog Georges Pompidou theformerpresidentoffrance is back!

He talks about handjobs and smelling his own farts in the same post.
I don't really wonder why we're friends.

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So I was walking home on a beautiful day in Rottendam from having a refreshing glass of sparkling iced tea with Caro and picking up some of Holland's Finest when I walked past a window and saw a guy strumming a guitar. I was all, huh, that sure looks like Brendan Benson. And sure enough he's playing here tonight. But I'm just not sure if he's worth the seven euros fifty entrance fee to this snob. Now I'm listening to some songs from "Alternative to Love" and just thinking... this guy bugs me. His songs are almost good but they're just, well... just ok. "Alternative to Love" is like a crappier male version of "Exile in Guyville." Girls do breakup music better. But enough with the indie-than-thou pontification, I have nothing better to do tonight so I'll probably go. If he's bff with ItsANiceDayForAWhiteWedding then maybe something rubbed off.

UPDATE: here's a couple pics from the show:



Show attire includes stinky white t-shirt with pit stains:




There was one song I liked, though, I think it was called "Cold Hands Warm Heart."

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and say...

1. This is totally hot.
2. I can't wait for this movie.



Thank you.

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Crappy bootleg copies of DVDs (See? NO apostrophe for pluralizing. It's that simple.) shown here. Er, there, where I put the link. Best one is the one for Eternal Sunshine where the bootlegger accidentally took a criticism from The Boston Globe for a tagline:



Hirarious.

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Guy stands on crate with megaphone offering people $200 if they choose not to attend the concert they are waiting outside to see. Guy yells into megaphone "Attention, you have bad taste in music" and continues to berate concert goers until some girl's tough-guy boyfriend inevitably trash talks him and tries to knock him off the crate. Good stuff. Shows include too-cool-for-the-e-Staind, Linkin Park, Nickelback/Puddle of Mudd, and my personal favorite, Train.

Watch the videos, you don't even like your job anyway.

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...that I'm not crazy. If there was a detour on your way to work and you were supposed to follow the instructions on this sign, you wouldn't know what to do, right?
Ok great, me neither.



The only word I understood was Oostzeedijk and only because that's my street.

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Hahaha, well done, Rochester.
I like how he "flies off the handle" every time... just like real life!
And I'm going to need some alone time with that shirtless pic of Trebek.

[Cheriousflee dood yob yoopster derrin dat chuff]

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This is currently driving me nuts.
Does anyone get it??
Apparently ik ben stom hoor.

UPDATE: ah! Got it.

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Totally dumb, totally funny.
Full disclosure: I clicked the "refresh" button to hear the song again...
Best a capella song ever.

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Don't click this.

[sorry, couldn't help it.]

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Prolly more sad than funny.
Satisfy your voyeuristic tendencies further at postsecret.

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Marton-- literally "toilet" in Chinese-- lets diners enjoy their dinner out of mini toilets instead of on plates:

"Diners come and walk away with the special experience," he said. "Many try to create more fun, stirring up curry and rice so it looks exactly like when you forget to flush the toilet. Then they gulp it down."

Taco Bell executives are said to be "very interested" in following suit.

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Do you remember Joe Millionaire, my coworker and ex-roommate who I've known since I was a wee lass? Well he isn't around here so much these days since moving to England with his gf but we still talk all the time. Sometimes it's difficult to have a personal and professional relationship with one person and other times it's just downright funny-- especially when it's Joe M. we're talking about here. [Sidenote: one of his college buddies was also at Mel and Todd's wedding and I went up to say hi to him. We were chatting and I was like, so do you still hear from (insert real name here)? And the dude was all, oh, you mean Joe Millionaire? Eek! My nickname proclivity is going to come back to haunt me one of these days.]

ANYFWAY YOOPSTERS: Here is the part of the yahoo convo that made me crack up. He was explaining his visit to a customer to me and types:

pyke: time to put up or shut up
pyke: you cannot take a toyota
pyke: put a rolls royce engine
pyke: rolls royce interior
pyke: and rolls royce tyres on it
pyke: and still call it a toyota

Amazing, I can totally understand what you're saying now that you're speaking the international language of luxury vehicles.
And yes, he's started to spell the British way... employs the phrases "keen to" and "taking the piss" [to make fun of]. Oh, what a funny millionaire.

[Deleted part fixed, sorry.]

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Revocation of the Independence of USA (John Cleese)

Recently, John Cleese read this out to an audience in America:

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence,effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. Then you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such
as>"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such
place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a Difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby which is similar to American "football" (but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French
fries'are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian Though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. >From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol price (roughly $6/US gallon-- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

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Deemed successful by all.



Except Todd.
Sorry Todd.

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Burger King will soon be offering chicken fries.

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Ha.

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L Lo, what are you even doing to yourself?
You were so cute:



And then you decided to... omg, you look just like Janis Joplin who also prematurely died of a heroin OD!



Go back to the red hair, get off the smack, and grab a sandwich.
We still love you.

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I agree with you, mattie.
2 years is a bit of a stretch but it's eeper catcheeeeeeeeeee.

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Fwighere.
Andy, you really tore down the house with "Sweet Jane."
More documented evidence of string tricks.
Bridesmaids at the hair salon.
Rehearsal dinner with Karyn, Bonnie, and my speech of love to the bride and groom.
Ladies prepping the bride.

Etcetera.

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The Cloaca Original is a machine imitating the human digestive tract that will produce actual poo at the end of the digestive process. And it's ahrt on display in a museum near you.
Hilarious.
Unfortunately, sample poo is currently sold out.

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As goes Amsterdam.

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Althouse links to this post about the debate over logrolling (essentially dealmaking) started in Wisco by none other than our buddy and roommate when in Madison, Austin King. He let me read the letter before sending it and said this move would basically get him on the front page of the paper the next day and end his political career. He was right about the former...
Good for him calling Doyle out and I hope his minimum wage bill sticks.

Sorry, I'm too tired for the easy poop joke on logrolling.

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