Part I—Yes I Would Love to Date You/Meet You in a Dark Alley
I joined myspace.com at the urging of Ms. Keclik who has just moved to a new town and wants to meet new people but also wanted current friends on her profile. Sure, no problem. Unintended consequence: receiving unintentionally hilarious messages from potential suitors. At or near the top of my list of annoyances sharing space with strollers, chicken, and hair gel is bad grammar. Now I have a bit more flexibility on this because I’ve spent over 2 ½ years communicating mostly with non-native English speakers.
There’s no way to do this without being a total jerk so let’s just read the first message from Rajabu:
How Are You?
I Hope You Are Good And Fine As I Can See From Your Loving Face In The Picture Above.
My Name Is Rajab As You Can Read In My Profile..I Live In
I Realy Want You To Became My Friend So That We Can Know Each Other.
I Dont Want To Make You Tired With My First Email Just Visit My Profile Then Reply To Me!.
Hope To Hear From You Soon!{Never Mind About The Distance!}
Thank You I Wish You Good Day!
“Today Is A Day To Me” ? Whatever that even means, one thing is clear: Rajabu is a real romantic and Hopelessly Devoted To Capitalization. We can also see from his profile that Rajabu is looking for “That Woman Who Knows How To take Care Of Her Husband As She Wants To Be Treated” Ah yes, ah yes, makes perfect poetic sense. Rajabu may also have some lost love issues because the headline to his profile reads “I Will Always Love You.” Sounds like we could make a totally intense connection, Rajabu, totally intense.
I didn’t respond but did accept the offer to add him as my friend. This message followed:
Hi dear i took long time to write to you,but i'm ok and i say thank you very much to add me as your friend i'm happy about that.and now i can say that i might be prepared to visit eachother inorder to know everything concerning us ,you are welcome in my heart.
Umm, “prepared to visit each other” ?? Are you serious ? I’m sure he’s nice but you’re moving a little too fast for me there, Rajabu.
Next up on the list of potential suitors is George, or as he has misspelled his name in his profile “Geoge”:
how are u doin and how is your day?its so nice to see your beutifull face and body on the screem. what up. U are hollander u live in paradise. i stay in
yours George
I think I titled 3 different emails “U are hollander u live in paradise” after receiving that. Geoge followed it up with another, slightly more incoherent message:
ANnie we can be friends why not. am glad to fine u as friend. tell me a little bit of you. you have been to
Nope, haven’t been to
So, dear reader, the chances for hottt dates on myspace are pretty low but pretty hilarious.
On the upside, now instead of responding “I don’t like hair gel” to the why-are-you-single question, I can answer “because I publicly humiliate those who attempt to court me.” Not that either response is the truth but who cares, lying is more fun.
************************************************
Part II—Your Engine is Bigger, but Dumber
For a girl, I complain a lot about other drivers. Maybe it’s because I work in the car industry, maybe it’s because I learned to drive from a man and not a woman, maybe it’s because intelligently aggressive driving is a turn-on, maybe it’s because there are just a lot of bad drivers out there. Who knows. What I do know is some guy who works in
As I said before a long time ago, the drive to work for me is mostly highway A16 which leads almost directly from the Oostzeedijk to the office. You can actually see the office from the highway as it’s only about a quarter mile from the exit. The two-lane road between the off ramp and the office is always crowded and you usually can’t go more than 30 miles an hour. In my rearview mirror this morning, I see some prick swerving in and out of lanes in his Audi A6 like he was trying to reenact a scene from Ronin. The funny thing is I know this guy didn’t have an emergency because I’d seen him pull this hot move before on numerous occasions. After he had made me slam on the brakes twice, I was like, ok forget this I’m not in the mood today. Through some miraculous car shifting matched only by my Tetris skills, I managed to get my little black water bug directly in front of his car. And sssslllllooowwweeeedddd down. Since the road was too crowded for him to go around me, he decided it was a sufficiently intimidating idea to get as close as physically possible to my cute little bumper without hitting it. This was, of course, when I would ever so slightly touch the brake pedal. Oooooh, this guy was fuming. Red light. Up ahead about 40 feet I see a light flash as a car passes which means the speed cameras are on. Assuming this guy is too pissed off at me to notice the speed cameras, I smile wickedly into the rearview mirror as the light turns green and tear away from the intersection (so I would have plenty of room in the right lane when I make my move). He was right on my tail as I accelerated and about 15 feet before the camera, I quickly dropped it into third, well within the speed limit, and moved to the right lane. Finally seeing his opportunity to pass me, this douche bag floors it and flies past me going at least twice the speed limit-- hitting top speed, oh it was beautiful, just as the camera flashed.
Have a great day, you bastardized yerman sucker.
