16:11 - Corn Poopie

My buddy Tom and I have this absurd method to sniff out liars. Because we both think poop is hilarious, the method is composed of three simple questions. As anyone who has googled the effects of corn on the digestive system knows,

When we chew corn, the outer coating slips off the inner kernel. This outer yellow coating is almost entirely cellulose, and is indigestible. It passes through the gut untouched, and emerges looking like a whole kernel, although it is mostly just the outer skin. The inside of the kernel is starchy and digestible, and that is the part that we succeed in chewing up.

So have we established that when you eat corn you will see cellulose coating in the form of corn kernels in your poop? Great. The liars we drunkenly attempt to sniff out will deny the, ahem, very thorough scientific fact that people who eat corn will have corn poopie. Eat corn on the cob? Corn poopie. Corn chowder? Corn poopie. Salade niçoise? Bon app mes potes, but still: corn poopie. Ok, you get it. Cows, on the other hand, are digestively superior to us humans. They have I-can’t-even-count-that-high FOUR stomachs. This, of course, means that our corn kernel condoms are not safe. The hydrochloric acid (corndomicide?) of our friendly dairy cow from Stoughton gives the absurd line of questioning its key feature. Unless you are yourself a cow, approximately 12-14 hours after you have eaten corn, you will have corn poopie. I hope we’re all still in agreement here. So to sniff out a liar, you simply have to ask them if they’ve ever eaten corn and not had corn poopie. If they answer yes, they would have to be a corn poopie liar. Right? Right. Except! We have to close the loophole here. Cows can digest corn. Human can't. So you next question, naturally, has to be a cow/not a cow verification question. So it goes like this:

Question 1: Have you ever eaten corn?

Answer 1: No. (This is no longer an interesting conversation. Walk away/get another beer.)
Answer 2: Yes. (Ok good, next question.)

Question 2: Have you ever had corn poopie?

Answer 1: Yes. (This is no longer an interesting conversation. Walk away/get another beer.)
Answer 2: No. (Can i get a loophole closer?)

Question 3: Are you a cow?

Answer 1: Yes. (I keep hoping this scenario will happen but it never has.)
Answer 2: No.

Loophole closed! We have ourselves a Certified Corn Poopie Liar here, team. And that’s the game. After 7 years we’re still not sick of it. So you can imagine my distress upon receiving this upsetting email from Tom today:

To: Annie
From: Tom
Date: September 14^th, 2005 12:59 am
Subject: i may be a cow

from the medical miracle department, i ate corn on sunday and monday and do not remember anything further about said corn. i.e., i never heard from or saw it again. i am scared. am i a cow?

tom

I asked him if I could post this, and he replied:

yes, but mind you, i am not joking. i am totally serious.

Can anyone explain Tom’s troubling digestive miracle? Has anyone else experienced such a phenomenon? Have we evolved to the point where we can reach the digestive Zen of cows?

---

 Anonymous said...

It'll show up like four days later. Corn is like gum.  

---

 Anonymous said...

Still waiting to hear the results...  

---

 annie said...

the update was titled "yaaaaay!":

regular non-bovine digestion has been restored. sweet.

tom

hey joiejoie! see you monday! sweet!  

---

Post a Comment